Define Yourself! (PART TWO)

Welcome back my readers. Let me continue on regarding defining yourself.

For those who know me, you all know my trademark motto is "I am the Exception to the Rule." Some of you who do not know me are probably wondering what the hell that means. Well as a kid before the terms "haters" was cool to say, let's just say, I had a lot of them and it always kept me up at night as to why. I knew I was different but a lot of the time I didn't want to be. It was more of a burden. It really made me feel "broken" because I couldn't fully fit in with the whites no matter how "unique" I was in my open-minded ideals or the blacks because I behaved like I was "white" in their eyes. It wasn't until after I embraced who I was that I came up with my motto. This was simply because every time I spoke with someone white they would acknowledge I was black but "not like the others." They always made some kind of exception for me and to be quite honest it boosted me ego and my self esteem. I even had one guy I used to work with say I was an Oreo, "Chocolate on the outside but white on the inside." While I wouldn't go THAT far I will say I am highly adaptable to my environment.

So I can't change the color of my skin. I am, by social interpretation, "black" despite the fact I do loathe that word because I'm more of a "milk chocolate" complextion. So I am this color. This is not a license or even an invitation for ANYONE to define me or TELL ME how to define myself! People of African American descent are NOT my people. I am not Moses. We share ancestors but that does not mean we share much else. I am afraid this generation's black youth is even more far gone than mine was. Honestly, let's throw out the whole "black" thing and say this entire generation is lost in my opinion even though it is another topic for another day. I just had to say that. 

Now, it amazes me how there are so many "mythical perks" that come with being black I have yet to see. For example, I hear all this "we need to stick together" and we need to "support each other" but the only time I see this is when black people get in trouble. Particularly when black males get in trouble they always want to call me "brotha" to ask me for something. Any other time I could be shot and bleeding to death in the street and they would just keep on walking or better yet dash away in their car. What I don't understand is how people expect me to be "proud to be black" when, on the majority, young black men and women act like insipid monkeys and don't appreciate all the opportunities and privileges they have because of how all of our ancestors sacrificed, suffered, and died. When it comes to most black young people, I would dare to say if you're not talking about something material they don't even care to be in the conversation. 

I mean, so many young black men idolized rappers and professional sports players the way they should God. Oh, and if you dare say God or Jesus, they will accuse you of being a "Jesus Freak" because going to church or believing in something that isn't money, power, and fame is unheard of. I could go on and on and on. Thing is, I am a young black man, but I don't want to categorized with the rest of these hooligans and heethans on the street. As I've told people before, I would prefer class over "swag" anyday. Isn't it time for us to grow up, people? I mean, all of the stupid foolishness I see young black people say and do is just so ridiculous. From the way they carry themselves, to how they talk, to how they treat their families and friends. Now don't get me even the slightest bit wrong, there are young black men and women who make me proud to be black.

The problem is the media drowns them out with the foolishness the other idiots give them so we are all cast in a negative light. It's very frustrated for those of us who carry ourselves in a manner that is respectable and classy constantly have to deal with the negative stigma of this "hood mentality." It is truly sickening. I blame not only the media but all of these rappers and all of these entertainers that continue to refuse the responsibility that they have as figures who influence our young black people. You act like idiots your behavior is going to influence other young blacks who look up to you whether you would have it so or not. I'd like to think the least they could do with all of that money they have is try and make a positive difference in the community they came from, the black community.

You know, I watched a comedy with Vivian A. Fox where she works in a saloon and one of the white female customers gets into a fight with a hair stylist because she said, "It's not our fault your men don't stay with you. They come looking for us and we know how to treat them. Obviously, you don't." I thought it was more hilarious that this white woman said this than the fact it was true in more cases than not. Or, at least, black SUCCESSFUL men. Why? The reason is because a majority of black women only want someone for material reasons as opposed to why one should and that is, clearly, for who they are. Things go wrong. I can testify to that. If you don’t have someone that loves you for you it  you would be better off alone. It’s the person that is still there when everything is going wrong that is the one you should trust with your heart. Hell, even then things don’t always work out. I’m going to take a quick moment to confess ever since graduating high school life has been kicking my ass in some shape, form, or fashion. Don’t get me wrong, I count all of my blessings but there is always a struggle. If you are foolish enough to entertain someone who only wants to be around during the good times without being around for the bad ones then be prepared for a lot of hurt and disappointment. Love is a gamble in and of itself I’ve found. You love someone, guess what? They don’t love you back or they don’t love you as much as you love them. You could love someone and lose them or they could fall out of love with you or vice versa. The ways relationships go sour are endless, but that doesn’t make the pursuit of being with the one you love any less great. In fact, it makes the endeavor more grand.

This is what I don’t think this generation of young black people get. Once again, I’m going to defy to this entire generation of young people period. In the age of “I WANT A DIVORCE!” we live in a society that is not as invested in marriage which only can mean they are, as a direct result, not invested in the ideology of true love. Not just love when things are wonderful but love when nothing seems to go wrong. I can say I’m lucky enough to have someone who has stuck with me throughout the highs and lows but I refuse to falsely tell a fake fairy tale. We still have our share of problems. I will shock many of you even further by confessing many of them originate with me. I’ve lied with the idea I was “protecting her from the truth” and have yet to make it up to her. Some advice fellas, don’t lie early in the relationship. It always ends badly when the truth comes out and it always does. ALWAYS. I am also one of those people who are unaware of my tone when I say things. This may seem trivial but during disagreements and arguments this can make things go from uncomfortable to “Housewives of Central Florida” in a hurry. I don’t know if you all get that joke but I tried. Laugh at the failed attempt at least. Let’s just say I’ve made a lot of mistakes. It wasn’t my intention to do damage to the relationship but keep in mind I didn’t have a lot of experience. I’m just going to say it, I saw her and something just clicked and I said, “She’s the one. I don’t know if she’ll have me but I have to try.” I can honestly believe it was love at first sight. This is why I have no regrets in regards to anything that happens going forward. Even if the relationship fails. I know that I gave it my all, prayed on it, and let the chips fall where they may. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter out of my relationship and I seek to marry my lady. Thing is, I’m going to shock a lot of people again with what I’m about to say but I have a lot of growing up to do. I had to learn the hard way love doesn’t make the relationship. There is so much more that goes with it. You need to be able to provide for your family and communicate with your mate. You need to learn to put yourself last and your lady and child first. All of your personal flaws need to be addressed and worked on so that you don’t hurt the one you love the most. Lingering old bachelor habits isn’t going to cut it as an excuse anymore. In summary, you have to put in the work. I repeat, you have to put in the work.

How does all of my personal experience relate back to young black people today? I’m just voicing my personal opinion but most young black people aren’t interested in “working it out” when they can just “throw up the deuces” and get onto the next one. This is why we have so many young black single mothers in the black community. These black young boys, I repeat, BOYS do not want to MAN UP and put in the work! I know I have my fair share of problems and issues but one thing I pride myself on is my responsibility as a father and how I never have run from it. Running was NEVER an option for me despite the fact, I knew deep down, I wasn’t as ready as I would have liked to be in regards to being a father. Deep down inside I was scared to death but I was also happy to have be blessed enough to give a child to someone who I knew from the beginning would be a wonderful mother and longed for a baby. In reality, I’m just settling in to being a man. I said it, being A MAN. I hear that word thrown around but let’s take the time to be honest. You can’t “play” at being a man. You have to go all in. Now, I did things kind of ass backwards in terms of the steps, but it’s how you finish things out that counts, right? I have a woman in life I would die for. I’d do anything for her. Thing is, over time, I’ve been my own worse enemy when it comes to taking care of her. I broke promises I made to her and myself in the beginning of our relationship. I violated trust and paid for it. I’ve done a lot of damage not out of spite or anything but more out of inexperience. I accept my failures. Why? I accept them because that’s what a man does. 

For all of my shortcomings I can always be assured of the fundamentals. So while I may not have a lot of money, a fancy car, a really expensive house, etc. I know that there is no one in the world that loves my woman as much as I do. However, as I said, love is not always enough. As the man in the relationship you accept being many things…a best friend, lover, protector, provider, father, shoulder to cry on. You accept that. I accepted it. I accepted being a man now it’s time for me to BE THE MAN. This is easier said than done. This is what scares a vast majority of young black men out of their sagging pants.

Let’s move the conversation back over the ladies. It seems the term “Diva” is more praised than “Lady” which is a problem in itself. Beyonce says “Diva” is the female version of a “Hustler” but the truth is I want a lady on my arm and not a damn “Diva.” Hey ladies, respect yourself or no one else is going to respect you. PERIOD. Why in God’s name would want to shower you with gifts and money simply because you are an attractive woman? Oh, because you can give me “sexual favors” in exchange for that money? Is that really what you want? You want some guy who is going to be throwing money at you for ass? That is certainly not marriage material or even material for a serious long term relationship. Problem with so many young black women is they want the world wrapped and delivered to them by whatever guy they choose to be with based on materialistic standards instead of getting what they want from themselves and finding a guy who is going to treat them with respect and love them how they truly want and deserve to be loved. What a minute! Did I say love? So many young black women out there don’t even care if they find love they just want the money, cars, expensive clothes, etc. These same young black women end up old and wishing they did things different but by that time the “nice guy” you shunned because he couldn’t buy you a car or pay for your rent every month is long gone.

Then there is the other sector of black women who either accept men who treat them like crap and believe they can change them while the other side of the coin is the black women who lie and try to fool themselves into believing they don’t “need no man” to be happy. Now for some women, if they really do not need or want a man in their lives so be it. However, let’s be honest with ourselves. Who in the hell wants to be alone? I also must say that just because you may be financial successful in your professional life doesn’t mean you have the right to punish the black men you come across who are not as successful as you are. It’s stupid and uncalled for. There is no need to be so insecure. There is nothing wrong with a successful black woman in 2012 but there is always something wrong with a successful black woman who rubs her successful in the face of every man she meets to validate herself as being a “strong, proud, black woman.” Get a grip on yourself. All that money you have isn’t going to buy you someone who cares about you, remembers your birthday, sends you sweet text just because, and sends you bears at your “high paying” job for Valentine’s Day. The sooner you come to grips with this the sooner you will find what you are looking for, or should I say, WHO you are looking for.

Do you all see the pattern? We are who we choose to be as Norman Osborne said in the first Spider-man movie. It is true. You see, when it comes to me and black women, as a direct result of the hell I was put through in my youth something has clicked in my head. I don’t find a LARGE majority of them physically attractive. Now before anyone judges me, over the years, I’ve made that percentage go from a big fat 0% to about 3%. That’s quite an accomplishment! It is even more so seeing as that Aaliyah has been dead for years now. With this as sad loss for the black community of an exceptional good man, the flip side is that I can give my honest insight and feedback without an ulterior motive for trying to get in their pants. Rest assure there isn’t anything that interests me down theirs. Sorry black women of the world. There is always that 3%.

It is important to mention that, despite all the things I find utterly unattractive about black women, I still wish for them to rise to their fullest potential. I can’t be a part of that resurrection but that doesn’t mean I can’t inspire it. That doesn’t mean I mean any of them ill will. Perhaps as a youth but not now. I am not foolish enough to condemn the many for the sins of the few even though I still occasionally see the same sin being committed out of ignorance. Define yourselves. The men you choose to chase after is a choice you make as it is when you allow them access into your life as your mates. You also choice not to choose a man that you know would be better for you even though he might not have as much “swag” or “street cred” as you might prefer. Sit down and think about what kind of man you want taking care of you and your kids. Stop be followers and take the lead of your own lives. Think about how far the black race has come. Stop taking steps backwards and start moving forward like Obama.

Let me be clear when I say this, I own no one anything when it comes to how I define myself. HOWEVER, I feel the least I can do is define myself in a manner that doesn’t make my ancestors sacrifices seem like a complete waste. Past that I will be who I choose to be. Life is a series of choices one of my best high school teachers told me. Indeed. Just like Dumbledore told Harry when he was struggling with seeing the difference between himself and Lord Voldemort it is not what powers or skills or abilities that make us who we are it is our choices. Now choose to rise up to your potential and define yourself or choose to fall into line as one the faceless masses that have their fate dictated by the status quo.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF EPIC REFLECTIONS!!!

(NEXT BLOG: PART THREE OF "DEFINE YOURSELF!!!")