What's Going On Inside Of Me

So...here we are. The Holiday Season. I know I haven't put up a blog for sometime but I've been going through frustrating times to say the least. The job market is ridiculous but then again, I always seem to struggle when it comes to locking down a job worthy of this degree I have. Yet there is more to it than that. There always is. The truth of the matter is around this time of season I always have time to remember all those special people me who helped make me who I am that are no longer with me. The list grows longer and longer with each year I grow older. My grandfather who was my best friend and mentor is gone, my Uncle Tino is gone, my Aunt Roxanne is gone, my Aunt Lynn is gone, my cousin JR is gone, and on and on the list goes. These people I had special connections with. They all understood a unique yet different part of who I am which is why it was always a joy to know they were around. Looking back I took that for granted and now here I sit typing a blog about how much I miss them and how much I wish I spent more time with them. When each of them passed on I felt like a piece of me when with them.

So now, here in 2012, I stand here feeling like a young man out of time even though I've always thought of myself as an "Old Soul" for all intents and purposes. You know, I figured out at a very young age, I was different for most people not just in my race but in general. I remember all the times I would sit at home with Nanny and Poppy and talk about times when I wasn't even around as if I was. No one knows how many times before I met my best friend, who is one of the few people that I know gets me and understands me, that I sat and watched my sister go out with her friends and have a good time wondering what that's like...what it's like to be able to connect with people so very
easily. 

I wasn't jealous...okay maybe I was slightly...but for the most part I was at peace with being a different kind of creature. I would listen to the radio and look out my window and wonder what the person who finally would get me and understand me and love me for the complicated mess I am was doing at the moment. I.E. that scene in the movie with the mouse Fivel "American Tail" where he is staring out the window with "Somewhere Out There" playing. Yeah, that's pretty cheesy and lame, but everything in life can't be "cool" and "hip" and "trendy" when expressing one's self. It's funny because no one knows, well, until now because I'm expressing it in this blog that when I saw my Mami (that's what I call my significant other and mother of my child) this scene played in my head as we talked and interacted. Now granted, I will be the first to admit I presented myself as a "White Knight" to her when there were aspects of me that is more a "Dark Knight." However, in my defense, as a child and before I feel life's experiences had made me more cold and hardened me to an extent, deep down, I felt that "White Knight" was still in me. It was her that melted away some of that ice on my heart and soul and awakened that "White Knight" inside me. Just so I'm clear what I mean about the whole "White Knight" deal is the kind of person I was when Superman and He-Man were my idols, before I was verbally assaulted and teased and ridiculed for being different by children in my own race so that I felt rejected by my own and unable to fit in anywhere else, before losing my Grandfather and before my cousin and I took our respective different paths in life, etc. The "White Knight" was before I learned about the harsh realities of life such as deaths in the family, friendships coming to bitter ends, the solitude of being unique and different for other young people your age and even in your own race, the expectations to be a certain way and the consequences of not falling into line and living up to societal stereotypes. In essence, the "White Knight" was and is my purity. The "White Knight" symbolizes my innocence and while I can never get that back when I opened up to my Mami I felt that part of me come to life again. 

That feeling still remains despite the adversity of life. There are times I can talk with her about things of the past from our childhood or simply experiences we have shared together and the "White Knight" rises again. There has never been anyone who has made me feel that way outside of my family. So while I may suffer from the inability to express my emotions and internalize most things at least through these words I can verify how special she is to me. It's funny, I suppose what I'm really saying is that, she is my lost innocence. She's that light to some of the darkness I carry within me.

Now I know some of you may be "touched" at my words but there is a con to every pro. While my Mami brings out the best in me it's not always easy. To quote Splinter from the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series on Nick, which I recommend to any Turtles fans out there with two thumbs up, "Anger is self-destructive." I'd also like to quote my favorite turtle of whom I truly think was based on my personality upon his creation, Raphael, replying to that by saying, "I always thought it was other-people-destructive." LOL. You know, I'm not a bad person. That's almost part of the problem I believe. 

I've always done my best to be the perfect little soldier from a boy on up. I've been the poster boy for filial piety when it comes to honoring my parents and elders, I did my best in school, I never ran with the wrong crowd and surrounded myself with positive people i.e. my best friend and his family. I've been drunk once and that was from my mother giving me rum mixed with Coca-Cola because of a toothache. I have one child with the individual I have been with since 2006. I never slept around and had kids running around I didn't account for or take care of. I never was arrested and never broke a law. All in all, I like to think I'm a "good guy" and model citizen. This is where my angry kicks in. Despite my entire life doing the right thing I struggle. I struggle with all aspects of life and then I struggle and then I struggle some more. I see friends of mine achieve success in life with marriages, houses, great jobs, etc. while I struggle, struggle, struggle. Year in, year out, I'm struggling. Now don't get me wrong, a significant amount of my struggling comes from myself. I tend to be my own worse enemy with certain things I can change. Things like my lifestyle in terms of my health and diet and things of that nature. I take full responsibility for those things I have control over but even with those things I still feel like something is fighting back against me. I feel like I'm cursed like Harry Potter or something.

Speaking of Harry Potter, there were several scenes during those series of movies that made me cry. Yeah, I said it. However, there was one scene that really hit me on a personal level because I thought to myself, "That's me." In Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix he says at one point to...well...let me show you.


Harry Potter: This connection between me and Voldemort... what if the reason for it is that I am becoming more like him? I just feel so angry, all the time. What if after everything that I've been through, something's gone wrong inside me? What if I'm becoming bad?

Sirius Black: I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. 

When I heard Harry say the part about being angry all the time I literally cried about it, albeit, a couple of nights later when I had time to really really reflect upon it. For some reason, I never react to things the moment I see them or hear them, I have a delayed response to emotionally powerful things.I cried because that's how I feel. That's how I've felt all my life. That's how I feel right now as I sit here and type this on my old ass computer. I feel anger. I feel so angry because, in my mind, I make a conscious effort to do what's right for the most part and for my efforts I just get more disappointment, more obstacles, more problems with less resources, more stress, etc. I believe in God and I am a Christian. You know, one of my friends I used to work with posted on Facebook that "God gives the hardest battles to the strongest soldiers." Thing is, I'm not one of the strongest soldiers but I continue to get the hardest battles. I feel like for being a proverbial "good guy" when I had COUNTLESS opportunities to run with the Devil I still get the short end of the stick. I still always have to scratch, rip, and claw just to get ahead when I see others have smooth sailing to their blessings.

Many of you might not know, but I'm also a big Supernatural fan. There is a character on the show named Dean Winchester. This guy is one of my fictional idols and the big brother I wish I had. Him and his younger brother Sam have been to Hell and back, LITERALLY. There was one episode, at the end of it, that also had me in tears on many a night because I've done the same exact thing. I rarely let anyone see me cry because I've been taught a real man always controls his emotions despite my bad temper. Irony at it's best, eh? Anyway. Take a look.

 

 
You know, I really never understood how hard it is to be a man. I'm not just talking about having something between your legs and running around engaging in sexual activity with random women at your leisure. I know that's what society praises and glorifies but it's more than that. It's being a provider, a father, a friend, a lover, a comforter, a son...it's so many things. Some of these things I am and, I'm going to say it, some of them I'm not because I never had to be. I didn't get practice for the most part. I didn't take a course on it. All I can say is I'm figuring it out. It's funny, another thing I find I have in common with Dean Winchester's character is that when his father left to go hunt demons (the show is about these guys hunting down demons, vampires, etc.) he did as he was told and never questioned anything his father told him. He just did what he said. Sam, on the other hand, always questioned his father. In reality I'm alot like Dean and have just done as I've been told because my father told me but I've had to learn the hard way maybe he isn't right about everything all the time. I've had to take a step back and discover that maybe, even though this is my father, he isn't without flaw or fault. After coming to the realization that even though this person is someone you
held up in high regards he is still human like everyone else...it scared me. I mean, my father who managed to provide for my family and put me and my sister through high school and college is flawed just like everyone else? That scared me because if he's flawed and still accomplished all this how the hell am I supposed to follow that up? How am I supposed to be the better man like society tells sons they should be when it's all said and done and they are compared to their fathers?

I've learned alot in 2012 about myself. It's funny...despite my adoration of heroes I find that I have a lot of similarities to the villains. Everytime I watch Anakin turn to the Dark Side and I look at Daisy and curse myself for partially justifying his thought process and feelings, not necessarily his actions. I see how angry he was from losing his mother and how life, in his view treated him unfairly, then I look in the mirror and shake my head because I feel his frustration. I feel his anger from trying to do the right thing but still being dealt a crap hand in terms of life. 

Let's bring it back full circle. Padme was what brought his "White Knight" to the surface the same way my Mami does mine. 

So as you see him fight to keep from losing her while unknowingly distancing himself from her it's pretty striking for me because I see shades of myself. I see shades of how, at times, in much less epic but still equally damaging fashion, I let my anger get the best of me and cloud my judgement. Now let's just clear up the fact I'm not going off and taking out Fledlings, or my Master, or choking out Padme...my life isn't a Star Wars movie. However, I can see how I do have tendencies of damaging the relationships I hold closest to my heart from anger inspired actions.

Anger stemming from frustration, sadness, loneliness...etc. I refuse to let life get the best of me so in 2013 I will do everything in my power to address these issues. I must say, thank goodness for words and writing, so at least I can let people read this and perhaps understand me a bit more. I am very very thankful for all my friends (fellow geeks and freaks) and family. I know that in different ways they all get me. I just think it's hard for most people to completely get you and understand you. That's what I am so in awe of my Mami but so guilty because she doesn't get anywhere near the amount of adoration she should. It's hard to express all these different thoughts as they swirl around in my head and many times when I try to do so I sit there looking like a retarded mute unable to say anything. It's a constant struggle for me not to let life's events bury my "White Knight." It's so easy to just cave in and plunge myself in anger but it takes courage and conviction to fight it in order to retain myself. I feel like anger can actually swallow you up and eclipse the real you if you let it. Eh...in any event I find looking at old pictures really makes me smile and lifts me up.

Key examples...I can't find the picture right now but there is a perfect picture of my Mami that is in black and white. She's smiling and so happy. It reminds me of how I want to be because of me. I want to see her smile like that and I want to bring her joy and happiness. I can't do that through my anger. Thus I must quote this from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
movie that hit me back then as a kid. I hate to give any kind of validity to the term "Angry Black Man" but hey if the shoe fits.

I have a picture of me and my best friend Mel at Universal Studios standing in front of the sign in front of the park. There is another one where we posed with the Hulk in front of the Hulk ride. Seeing that reminds me of how rare a friendship we have. It definitely lifts my spirits. Then there are pictures of my Nanny whom I miss dearly. Not that I don't miss my mom and sister equally, but Nanny knows me better than I know myself for the most part. Her wisdom is priceless. Just talking to her can inspire you to do great things. There's also pictures of my daughter Gabriella when she was a little itty bitty baby. I remember almost shitting myself when they told me it was time for her to be born. I also remember her looking at me and me being the first person she saw when she came out of her momma's belly. That was one of the greatest moments of my life. The power of pictures are so underrated. I'm actually off to take a look at some really old pictures of myself and my little sister when we were young and innocent.

So it's time to bring this blog to a close. I'd like to take the opportunity to wish everyone Happy Holidays and an Epic New Year. Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and come know me better, man! (I'm quoting a line from the Muppets Christmas from the Ghost of Christmas Cheer. I'm a nerd I know. LOL) My resolution will definitely be to win the battle against my anger and meet new like-minded friends aka more fellow geeks and nerds who are a kindred spirit while continuing to treasure the friendships I have. With all that said, fare-thee-well for now!

Why Did you Relocate To Florida? WHY!?

Readers of Epic Reflections, I have come back to you. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I assure you it does my heart good to know that somewhere out there someone is giving me the time out of their day or evening. I'm sure many of you are wondering what my blog is going to be about this time around. While I am certain I will have more installments of the "Defy Yourself" series I feel the need to clarify certain things about myself to many of you that probably have been wanting me to do so. Thus, this blog entry is entitled "Why?"
 

In this blog I will explain more why I've done some of the things I've done over the past few years in regards to myself, family, and friends. The first topic I would like to cover is the move to Florida the first time around, which was 2006. My logic was that I had done everything my parents had ever asked me to do and I wanted to seize the opportunity to experience life in the world outside of Philadelphia. I had fallen in love with the woman who is now the mother of my beautiful daughter Gabriella and, in addition to all that,  in my immediate family I felt it was time for me to find my own path. 

You see, I'm going to confess something to all of you. I always felt, up until the point of moving out of the house I was raised in, that I lived in a something of a bubble. Aside from the privilege of going on a cruise with my grandparents (An event that completely changed me as an individual and my worldview) I hadn't done anything for me. I did as I was told and that is what a son is supposed to do. I went to school, worked, and came home. In that order for the most part. I didn't go on any of my high school dances or proms because I just didn't have a lot of friends not to mention any friends of the opposite sex to even ask. All along I wanted to attend a co-ed school but my parents insisted on Roman Catholic so I went there and do my best. I was obedient, for the most part, at home towards my parents. Past all of that there was hardly ever much to me which was why I began to writer stories online and RPG on message boards. It was the only way I had to connect with like-minded youth in my age bracket/category. 

I'm simply going to come out and say it, I never had much of a life as a young man. However my sister was and is the polar opposite of me. I didn't have much a social life to speak of but at the same time I was not into being the "life of the party." I am and always will be more of a "behind the scenes" king of guy. I'm very private and discreet when it comes to my personal life. I don't need a lot of friends and I've never wanted a lot of friends. It's always been more about quality over quantity. With all that said, when I saw the opportunity to branch out on my own with the woman I loved in a state I had only been in once in my life (My best friend's family invited me to go with them to all of the parks in Florida in the summer of 2002) I knew what I had to do. Was I scared? Of course I was! I had been living with my mother and sister for all of my life and that dynamic was about to change. Yet, deep down inside of myself, I knew I had to leave in order to continue my personal growth.
 

This part is going to be hard for me right now, but I feel like it needs to be our there for all of my friends and family to read, especially my mother. I want to go on record and express that moving out of that house on Duffield Street was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. My mother gave me life and I have a love for her that no one, not even her, could possibly know the limits of because there is none. My grandmother has always been my rock and the foundation of our family. Nanny knows me better than I know myself in so many ways. She is my heroine and always has been because when my grandfather (who was and still is at the top of my list in terms of role models and heroes) passed away she found the strength to keep on keepin' on, so to speak. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose someone you'll spend and build a life with out of the blue and have no choice but to live because, as Nanny always says, "Life is for the living." Nanny suffered the tragedy of losing her only son to drugs and streets so I've always wanted to make her proud of me and the man I grew up to become. 

Now I am far from being a completed package and I have so much to learn and become as person, son, friend, father, and God willing one day, husband. I know that and I'm sure she does too but ultimately I know she is proud of me and I take pride in knowing this. The knowledge of this gives me strength in times of weaknesses. It inspires me to be better than I am because I know she wants that for me and always will.

Before I left I understood what my departure would mean. I knew that my grandmother, who knows me inside and out, would not be thrilled with the idea but no doubt would understand at the end of the day. She knew my upbringing and that I dedicated myself to my studies all of my life up until that point and wanted to experience the social part of life. I wanted to be able to make up for the time I sacraficed in the name of education. Even though I was sad that my time had come to venture out on my own I had inner peace because of the knowledge that I had carried myself in a manner that made her proud and would have made my grandfather proud as well. As cheesy as that may sounds it made the sacrafices I endured during elementary school all the way up through college worth it.
 

Nanny is the strongest black woman I've ever known but my mother continues that tradition. Relocating from Philadelphia to Florida the first time around was extremely difficult for me because of my infinite love for my mother. As a son, I am a firm believer that the love you have for your mother is unique and downright sacred. My mother has always been there even in those times when I wished I had more friends and was more like other kids my age. She helped me understand that being different wasn't a crime and that I wasn't the only one out there who felt how I felt. The worse thing about how I left, something I still have yet to forgive myself for, was the manner in how I left the house. I was being a real ignorant asshole when I was finishing packing my bags and, being a Virgo like myself, she wasn't in the best of moods either. I don't blame her either, her first born son was moving out to be with a woman she didn't really know all that much about in a completely different state. My mom is and has always been very protective of my sister and myself. When you consider the situations and circumstances my mother raised myself and my sister in I believe she's worthy of praise of the highest regard. 

If she ever reads this blog, which I'm pretty sure she will, I want her to pay close attention to my words. I love my mother and I owe my life to her. I deeply regret that I can't be more of a "finished product" in terms of the level of my manhood. I will be the first to acknowledge I am no where near being the level of man my father is. I strive to be but, at this point in my life, I still fall short. I wish I could express my gratitude for all the things she has given me. I wish I could show her how highly celebrated and praised she is inside of my heart and soul. I understand my actions are far from those of a son who loves his mother in this way but no one should mistake that for not feeling how I do. There are times I am, well, an enigma to myself. My only wish is that when my mother is in need of something that I am about to be her champion like she has consistently been a champion for me during these 31 years. 

 

Now let's go onto my "Beloved Sibling." I've always been close to my sister. It has been my job and mission to fight off all of the three-legged dogs that might try and pursue her. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not ridiculously overprotective but I did my job as brother to guard her from all of the hooligans and riff raff that might test their luck sniffing around her. Now the first time I left Philadelphia, I think my sister took it the hardest at first. We goofed off and laughed together for God knows how many days and nights. We understand each other and care for each other in ways only siblings do. The thing about the situation though was that Chrissy was born with a very special gift in the form of a singing voice. She also, due to her personality, made friends almost everywhere she went. She had no trouble getting any friends or getting invited to dances or proms, etc. She is a very social person who enjoys to get out there, party, drink, and have a good time. I'm not and as we got older she leaned towards people like her and I leaned more towards people like me. So while I knew I would miss her in ways only another brother could understand I knew she would be just fine. She was actually strong for my mother in certain instances from what I saw. I am very proud of my sister but I think she has only reached the tip of the iceberg in regards to talent. Now in terms of her personality life, the one three-legged dog that somehow managed to win her heart is a dude named Sean. He's proved that he is a good guy with a big heart over the years. Hell, he even helped take my dog to the SPCA to get put down in my absence one Christmas. All my hopes are for my sister is that she doesn't let this life get in the way of her dreams. I know how hard life can be and how easily it is to get lost in the daily grid but I know she has all of the talent to be all she ever wanted to be and more. Furthermore, I know that dreams can change over time. I want her to embrace the change if and when it happens. Finally, I want her to forgive my physical absence in her everyday life. I will always be with her in spirit and in her heart. I love her and pray for her every evening before I close my eyes along with all of our family and friends. I wish I didn't have to make hard decisions and could split myself up so that I could be with her, my fiance', my mother, and our grandmother but unfortunately it is impossible. I am proud of her and always will be for the woman she's grown into but I know there is still more. She's only getting started. I would implore her not to be distracted by those who are not for her and only for themselves. 

I spoke of my family and now it is time to speak of my friends. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I owe so much to my best friend. 

If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have ever discovered Daisy and now of what I have would be possible. I could go on and on about this guy but the first thing I am going to do is apologize. I promised him when we decided to be friends that I would never let any woman come between us. Now, I am not saying a woman has done that but I am sorry for having to make the choice all best friends eventually have to make. When I saw his cousin Daisy, I fell in love with her at first sight. I just knew she was the one for me. I had to go to her. even if I failed I had to try. It is hard to explain but I listened to my heart and followed it to her. I know it may not make a lot of sense but I just had to or I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life.

The idea was that I could be her hero and I could save her, but since then she has been my heroine and been my savior. She's saved me from myself in ways no one else in the world could really understand besides us. I know there are times when my best friend is wondering why I had to leave and why I didn't stay. I am going to answer that question for him by saying this, out of the both of us, he was always more self sufficient and independent. While I am fully capable of being so I have been spoiled in many ways that he hasn't. This is why he has his own ride, had his own apartment, etc. If many ways I was always trying to catch up to his maturity level in our friendship. In other words, I knew that he would be fine if I would to relocate. My only regret is that some hurtful things were said about me and the role I played in our friendship by a family member of his. Let it be known that my best friend is like the brother I never had in so many ways. Our friendship is what got me through high school and college and gave me the blessing of a second family. The man my best friend is has always inspired me to be the best me I can be. I pray everyday that God sends him a woman that is just right for him and treats him like like the awesome guy he is. I know this may sound corny but he's the only man I've ever known that has the integrity of Captain America himself. 

He's a good man and comes from a good family. To this day I am so proud and honored that they welcomed me into their family with open arms. Looking back I just wish I spent more time with him before leaving Philadelphia. I tend to be a little impulsive at times. I know he supported me when I exited Philadelphia and always will support me in all my endeavors it would have been awesome if Philadelphia wasn't Philadelphia and Daisy did not have all the bad memories and experiences of the past burdening her down. When I told Daisy I loved her I knew that I had to make some hard decisions. It would have been easier to stay for my own personal reasons but being with someone means putting them first. It is what a good boyfriend, and more importantly, a good husband does. We vowed to each other that we wouldn't put each other over the women in our lives because it's gay. So with all of this said I still miss him. He's my best friend and always will be. He's irreplaceable which makes it hard but at the same time makes me appreciate our history. I couldn't not have asked for a better Tag Team partner, but in this thing we call life I would like to think we both go on and become World Champions of Life like Bret Hart ...

....and neither of us end up like Marty Jennetty.  Sorry Marty. You did have some good matches with HBK though!

Sorry...wrestling fan moment there. 

Now I have a few other friends I'd like to address. My friends in South Philly! 

I recently joined their 20 Sides Designs Presents group. That group really had my back during some tough times. Since my relocation to Florida, return to Philadelphia, then Re-Relocation back I haven't seen them in a long time. I just want it to be known that I still love you guys like brothers and sisters. It was awesome having those anime marathons and gaming marathons when we were at Temple and they friendships brought something new and unique to my life. Even with me being in Florida they still include me and message me and respond to my stats. It is hard to find real friends in this day and age but I'm proud to say I have them in the form of all of you. The strength of all our your characters really gave me more strength in mine, if that doesn't sound too idiotic. 

Finally I would like to explain something to anyone and everyone who reads this. I have had some falsehoods spread about me during my first relocation to Florida. Some of these even questioned my loyalty to my friends and other members of my second family. I want to put everyone on notice and inform them of my policy regarding issues a person might have with me. It's simple and to the point. If you have a problem with me, pull me aside, and discuss it with me like an adult. I would encourage anyone who does to have enough respect for me and, of course, themselves to do so.

If you just have to run your mouth and talk all that Ca-Ca I got 3 words for ya...JUST BRING IT!

I always have plenty of THESE ready in the worse case senario!

But hey, we're all adults here...right? Yeah, that's one of my infamous catchphrases in case you all didn't know. I actually need to get some more in 2012-13. That is a late resolution for me. 

Next time I will go over how things lived or didn't live up to my expectations when I came back to Philadelphia and the reasons I felt I needed to make the journey back to Florida. 

 

This is going to be it for now guys. In the next blog I will cover why I write, what I write, and the impact my friends I write with have had on me. Tyler, Gids, Doc, Vipes, and Janet all of you guys are like family to me. I plan on dedicated a whole blog going into detail about how we are, what we do, why we do it and how our writing and friendships have stood the test of time. 

Farewell until then True Believers!!!

Define Yourself! (PART TWO)

Welcome back my readers. Let me continue on regarding defining yourself.

For those who know me, you all know my trademark motto is "I am the Exception to the Rule." Some of you who do not know me are probably wondering what the hell that means. Well as a kid before the terms "haters" was cool to say, let's just say, I had a lot of them and it always kept me up at night as to why. I knew I was different but a lot of the time I didn't want to be. It was more of a burden. It really made me feel "broken" because I couldn't fully fit in with the whites no matter how "unique" I was in my open-minded ideals or the blacks because I behaved like I was "white" in their eyes. It wasn't until after I embraced who I was that I came up with my motto. This was simply because every time I spoke with someone white they would acknowledge I was black but "not like the others." They always made some kind of exception for me and to be quite honest it boosted me ego and my self esteem. I even had one guy I used to work with say I was an Oreo, "Chocolate on the outside but white on the inside." While I wouldn't go THAT far I will say I am highly adaptable to my environment.

So I can't change the color of my skin. I am, by social interpretation, "black" despite the fact I do loathe that word because I'm more of a "milk chocolate" complextion. So I am this color. This is not a license or even an invitation for ANYONE to define me or TELL ME how to define myself! People of African American descent are NOT my people. I am not Moses. We share ancestors but that does not mean we share much else. I am afraid this generation's black youth is even more far gone than mine was. Honestly, let's throw out the whole "black" thing and say this entire generation is lost in my opinion even though it is another topic for another day. I just had to say that. 

Now, it amazes me how there are so many "mythical perks" that come with being black I have yet to see. For example, I hear all this "we need to stick together" and we need to "support each other" but the only time I see this is when black people get in trouble. Particularly when black males get in trouble they always want to call me "brotha" to ask me for something. Any other time I could be shot and bleeding to death in the street and they would just keep on walking or better yet dash away in their car. What I don't understand is how people expect me to be "proud to be black" when, on the majority, young black men and women act like insipid monkeys and don't appreciate all the opportunities and privileges they have because of how all of our ancestors sacrificed, suffered, and died. When it comes to most black young people, I would dare to say if you're not talking about something material they don't even care to be in the conversation. 

I mean, so many young black men idolized rappers and professional sports players the way they should God. Oh, and if you dare say God or Jesus, they will accuse you of being a "Jesus Freak" because going to church or believing in something that isn't money, power, and fame is unheard of. I could go on and on and on. Thing is, I am a young black man, but I don't want to categorized with the rest of these hooligans and heethans on the street. As I've told people before, I would prefer class over "swag" anyday. Isn't it time for us to grow up, people? I mean, all of the stupid foolishness I see young black people say and do is just so ridiculous. From the way they carry themselves, to how they talk, to how they treat their families and friends. Now don't get me even the slightest bit wrong, there are young black men and women who make me proud to be black.

The problem is the media drowns them out with the foolishness the other idiots give them so we are all cast in a negative light. It's very frustrated for those of us who carry ourselves in a manner that is respectable and classy constantly have to deal with the negative stigma of this "hood mentality." It is truly sickening. I blame not only the media but all of these rappers and all of these entertainers that continue to refuse the responsibility that they have as figures who influence our young black people. You act like idiots your behavior is going to influence other young blacks who look up to you whether you would have it so or not. I'd like to think the least they could do with all of that money they have is try and make a positive difference in the community they came from, the black community.

You know, I watched a comedy with Vivian A. Fox where she works in a saloon and one of the white female customers gets into a fight with a hair stylist because she said, "It's not our fault your men don't stay with you. They come looking for us and we know how to treat them. Obviously, you don't." I thought it was more hilarious that this white woman said this than the fact it was true in more cases than not. Or, at least, black SUCCESSFUL men. Why? The reason is because a majority of black women only want someone for material reasons as opposed to why one should and that is, clearly, for who they are. Things go wrong. I can testify to that. If you don’t have someone that loves you for you it  you would be better off alone. It’s the person that is still there when everything is going wrong that is the one you should trust with your heart. Hell, even then things don’t always work out. I’m going to take a quick moment to confess ever since graduating high school life has been kicking my ass in some shape, form, or fashion. Don’t get me wrong, I count all of my blessings but there is always a struggle. If you are foolish enough to entertain someone who only wants to be around during the good times without being around for the bad ones then be prepared for a lot of hurt and disappointment. Love is a gamble in and of itself I’ve found. You love someone, guess what? They don’t love you back or they don’t love you as much as you love them. You could love someone and lose them or they could fall out of love with you or vice versa. The ways relationships go sour are endless, but that doesn’t make the pursuit of being with the one you love any less great. In fact, it makes the endeavor more grand.

This is what I don’t think this generation of young black people get. Once again, I’m going to defy to this entire generation of young people period. In the age of “I WANT A DIVORCE!” we live in a society that is not as invested in marriage which only can mean they are, as a direct result, not invested in the ideology of true love. Not just love when things are wonderful but love when nothing seems to go wrong. I can say I’m lucky enough to have someone who has stuck with me throughout the highs and lows but I refuse to falsely tell a fake fairy tale. We still have our share of problems. I will shock many of you even further by confessing many of them originate with me. I’ve lied with the idea I was “protecting her from the truth” and have yet to make it up to her. Some advice fellas, don’t lie early in the relationship. It always ends badly when the truth comes out and it always does. ALWAYS. I am also one of those people who are unaware of my tone when I say things. This may seem trivial but during disagreements and arguments this can make things go from uncomfortable to “Housewives of Central Florida” in a hurry. I don’t know if you all get that joke but I tried. Laugh at the failed attempt at least. Let’s just say I’ve made a lot of mistakes. It wasn’t my intention to do damage to the relationship but keep in mind I didn’t have a lot of experience. I’m just going to say it, I saw her and something just clicked and I said, “She’s the one. I don’t know if she’ll have me but I have to try.” I can honestly believe it was love at first sight. This is why I have no regrets in regards to anything that happens going forward. Even if the relationship fails. I know that I gave it my all, prayed on it, and let the chips fall where they may. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter out of my relationship and I seek to marry my lady. Thing is, I’m going to shock a lot of people again with what I’m about to say but I have a lot of growing up to do. I had to learn the hard way love doesn’t make the relationship. There is so much more that goes with it. You need to be able to provide for your family and communicate with your mate. You need to learn to put yourself last and your lady and child first. All of your personal flaws need to be addressed and worked on so that you don’t hurt the one you love the most. Lingering old bachelor habits isn’t going to cut it as an excuse anymore. In summary, you have to put in the work. I repeat, you have to put in the work.

How does all of my personal experience relate back to young black people today? I’m just voicing my personal opinion but most young black people aren’t interested in “working it out” when they can just “throw up the deuces” and get onto the next one. This is why we have so many young black single mothers in the black community. These black young boys, I repeat, BOYS do not want to MAN UP and put in the work! I know I have my fair share of problems and issues but one thing I pride myself on is my responsibility as a father and how I never have run from it. Running was NEVER an option for me despite the fact, I knew deep down, I wasn’t as ready as I would have liked to be in regards to being a father. Deep down inside I was scared to death but I was also happy to have be blessed enough to give a child to someone who I knew from the beginning would be a wonderful mother and longed for a baby. In reality, I’m just settling in to being a man. I said it, being A MAN. I hear that word thrown around but let’s take the time to be honest. You can’t “play” at being a man. You have to go all in. Now, I did things kind of ass backwards in terms of the steps, but it’s how you finish things out that counts, right? I have a woman in life I would die for. I’d do anything for her. Thing is, over time, I’ve been my own worse enemy when it comes to taking care of her. I broke promises I made to her and myself in the beginning of our relationship. I violated trust and paid for it. I’ve done a lot of damage not out of spite or anything but more out of inexperience. I accept my failures. Why? I accept them because that’s what a man does. 

For all of my shortcomings I can always be assured of the fundamentals. So while I may not have a lot of money, a fancy car, a really expensive house, etc. I know that there is no one in the world that loves my woman as much as I do. However, as I said, love is not always enough. As the man in the relationship you accept being many things…a best friend, lover, protector, provider, father, shoulder to cry on. You accept that. I accepted it. I accepted being a man now it’s time for me to BE THE MAN. This is easier said than done. This is what scares a vast majority of young black men out of their sagging pants.

Let’s move the conversation back over the ladies. It seems the term “Diva” is more praised than “Lady” which is a problem in itself. Beyonce says “Diva” is the female version of a “Hustler” but the truth is I want a lady on my arm and not a damn “Diva.” Hey ladies, respect yourself or no one else is going to respect you. PERIOD. Why in God’s name would want to shower you with gifts and money simply because you are an attractive woman? Oh, because you can give me “sexual favors” in exchange for that money? Is that really what you want? You want some guy who is going to be throwing money at you for ass? That is certainly not marriage material or even material for a serious long term relationship. Problem with so many young black women is they want the world wrapped and delivered to them by whatever guy they choose to be with based on materialistic standards instead of getting what they want from themselves and finding a guy who is going to treat them with respect and love them how they truly want and deserve to be loved. What a minute! Did I say love? So many young black women out there don’t even care if they find love they just want the money, cars, expensive clothes, etc. These same young black women end up old and wishing they did things different but by that time the “nice guy” you shunned because he couldn’t buy you a car or pay for your rent every month is long gone.

Then there is the other sector of black women who either accept men who treat them like crap and believe they can change them while the other side of the coin is the black women who lie and try to fool themselves into believing they don’t “need no man” to be happy. Now for some women, if they really do not need or want a man in their lives so be it. However, let’s be honest with ourselves. Who in the hell wants to be alone? I also must say that just because you may be financial successful in your professional life doesn’t mean you have the right to punish the black men you come across who are not as successful as you are. It’s stupid and uncalled for. There is no need to be so insecure. There is nothing wrong with a successful black woman in 2012 but there is always something wrong with a successful black woman who rubs her successful in the face of every man she meets to validate herself as being a “strong, proud, black woman.” Get a grip on yourself. All that money you have isn’t going to buy you someone who cares about you, remembers your birthday, sends you sweet text just because, and sends you bears at your “high paying” job for Valentine’s Day. The sooner you come to grips with this the sooner you will find what you are looking for, or should I say, WHO you are looking for.

Do you all see the pattern? We are who we choose to be as Norman Osborne said in the first Spider-man movie. It is true. You see, when it comes to me and black women, as a direct result of the hell I was put through in my youth something has clicked in my head. I don’t find a LARGE majority of them physically attractive. Now before anyone judges me, over the years, I’ve made that percentage go from a big fat 0% to about 3%. That’s quite an accomplishment! It is even more so seeing as that Aaliyah has been dead for years now. With this as sad loss for the black community of an exceptional good man, the flip side is that I can give my honest insight and feedback without an ulterior motive for trying to get in their pants. Rest assure there isn’t anything that interests me down theirs. Sorry black women of the world. There is always that 3%.

It is important to mention that, despite all the things I find utterly unattractive about black women, I still wish for them to rise to their fullest potential. I can’t be a part of that resurrection but that doesn’t mean I can’t inspire it. That doesn’t mean I mean any of them ill will. Perhaps as a youth but not now. I am not foolish enough to condemn the many for the sins of the few even though I still occasionally see the same sin being committed out of ignorance. Define yourselves. The men you choose to chase after is a choice you make as it is when you allow them access into your life as your mates. You also choice not to choose a man that you know would be better for you even though he might not have as much “swag” or “street cred” as you might prefer. Sit down and think about what kind of man you want taking care of you and your kids. Stop be followers and take the lead of your own lives. Think about how far the black race has come. Stop taking steps backwards and start moving forward like Obama.

Let me be clear when I say this, I own no one anything when it comes to how I define myself. HOWEVER, I feel the least I can do is define myself in a manner that doesn’t make my ancestors sacrifices seem like a complete waste. Past that I will be who I choose to be. Life is a series of choices one of my best high school teachers told me. Indeed. Just like Dumbledore told Harry when he was struggling with seeing the difference between himself and Lord Voldemort it is not what powers or skills or abilities that make us who we are it is our choices. Now choose to rise up to your potential and define yourself or choose to fall into line as one the faceless masses that have their fate dictated by the status quo.

STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF EPIC REFLECTIONS!!!

(NEXT BLOG: PART THREE OF "DEFINE YOURSELF!!!")

Define Yourself! (PART ONE)

Greetings to all of my fellow readers. This is TheePhoenixPharaoh and this is the next installment of my Blog. Today I'm going to take you all on a journey inside of my mind so you better understand all of the things I've done up to this point in my life as well as how I feel or what make logic is in regards
to me defining who I am. Even more importantly, I am going to break down my journey and some of the most essential ideals and individuals in helping me get to my destination of self awareness of who I am.

Now let's take it from the beginning. As a kid I've always felt like something of a sore thumb amongst other kids. Don't get me wrong, I've always been pretty likeable and cool amongst my fellow students at school but I still felt very much, well, "different." Now I'm aware that this tends to be a stage that all kids go through as they grow up, but for me it was twice as worse because when I came home from being around primarily white adults and children I felt like I had no business returning to my community which was filled, primarily, with black people. As weird as this songs though, the youth of the black
community had a huge part in making me who I am this very day. How you ask? Well I'm not going to even "sugarcoat" this response. The black kids I grew up with always made sure to make me feel like someone who didn't belong and had no place amongst them. I get that I went to Catholic school and I used "proper" english when I spoke, was a good student, and was an obedient son who never ran the streets or did anything I knew would upset my parents. I was a model young citizen but it was more than just that. There was something about me that they saw and hated about me.

I tried to fit in with them and replicate their behavior but they saw right through my facade. Whether it was listening to Power99 FM and reciting rap songs or singing R&B songs from the 90s they never fully accepted me. Now don't misunderstand me, I am black and I shared some similarities with them
in terms of cultural common interests like playing football, basketball, etc. The big difference was that I never restricted myself to only participate in one particular activity or another to validate my identity as being black. In fact, I did the exact opposite. The intangible "X Factor" they seemed to see in me is the same "X Factor" that made me who I was then and makes me who I am today.

Let me go further by explaining that this "X Factor" is something inside me that always refused to limit myself in the name of being something or someone that society envisioned me being. Thus when I had heard Stone Temple Pilots for the first time in 8th grade nothing inside of me screamed out, "This music is for white people! What is this shit!?" In fact, it was the exact opposite. I was fascinated and thus they began the first Alternative Rock group whose album I purchased. Following that I borrowed the
soundtrack for the first Crow movie and there was no turning back. I loved it.

I understood I couldn't and wouldn't ever be like the other black youth in my community.

Once I realized this and stopped beating myself up for not being like everyone else, once I stopped trying to pretend being something I wasn't, once I found the inner strength and courage to embrace my true self and uniqueness I freed myself. I went from cursing myself and feeling sorry for myself and wanting to be someone else from finding a new found purpose. Now it wasn't easy by any strength of the imagination.
 

It was hard as hell actually. For years other black youth laughed at me, made fun of me, and criticized me. During these torturous years my countless bad experiences with black females resulted in my vow to never be in any kind of intimate mental or physical relationship with them. I had been verbally and emotionally to the point I couldn’t find myself attracted to any of them the older I became. Now while I do not want to say whether this was the wrong or wrong approach I need to say that this was my way of creating closure on that chapter of my childhood. Following this my confidence grew because instead of asking myself why they hate me I embraced the theory that the black youth that didn’t like me they were jealous of my potential as a free thinking  young black man. However, what I didn’t realize was that I was trading one form of shackles for another because although I was freeing myself from my own self doubt I was taking up the burden of having a vendetta against my own race for the persecution of my inner child over the years. It wasn’t until later in life I had come to terms with the negativity burning in heart and through finding the love of my life and mother of my little girl, I was able to let it go. 

I’m sure some of you might be wondering how I got myself through the harder times of my youth. Well I will answer that for you. As a boy my father gave me one of the greatest gifts a parent could ever give to a child; the gift of showing them how to dream.  You see, my father worked a lot to be able to send me to Catholic school as well as my sister. Even before my sister was born my father explained how he used to read comic books about Thor and told me about all of the fantastic stories of his favorite childhood heroes like Thor, Black Panther, etc.  You see, back in the day, Marvel was actually cheaper than DC comics so my dad couldn’t afford to buy comics like Batman and Superman.  During those times as boy my dad introduced the worlds of heroes. As I got older I found my own favorites such as Superman, He-Man,  Batman, etc. Little did I know back then my father had enabled me to be able to dream that there were heroes out there that could save the day. This became the foundation of my imagination. 

The reason I said it was the best gift any parent could give to a child is because my father didn’t have a choice in terms of growing up before he was even a man. He was working at a very young age and is still working to this day. While he did raise me to be the best man I could be in terms of values, manners, and ethics but he still allowed me and encouraged me to dream and use my imagination. He never forbade me from reading comics he encouraged me to do so. He supported me when I began to draw characters from the issues I would save my pocket money to buy. This made a huge difference in my life because, for one, instead of idolizing rappers and other negative influences I was more inspired to emulate all of my favorite superheroes and heroes. Yes, these are fictional characters but what they stand for is very real. I believe my father knew this and also knew that while I may be somewhat naive in terms of my ideologies he also knew I would, no doubt, adopt some of those same values and beliefs that made all of my heroes who they were.  My father never rushed me or pushed me into growing into a young man because he knew once I grew up there was never any turning back. He sacrificed so much so that my sister and myself could remain children when we were supposed to be children and that is one thing I will never forget.  I will always be eternally thankful because he protected my inner child instead of destroying it. 

You see, I am a firm believer that one’s inner child should be cherished and protected at all costs. It is no secret that childhood doesn’t last forever and we must all answer the call of adulthood when we hear it. Even with that said, within your inner child, is an innocence that once lost we almost can never get back. This is why we should never lose ourselves in adulthood and forget that we were once children. All of our inner child lives deep down inside of us. I feel that God made that part of us so that we can still remember that the best things in life are still for free. With this said, I quickly came to understand that those who had the same kind of interests as myself was known in society as a nerd or geek. Most of you may think that I was offended or outraged when I figured out that I was one of these individuals that, for the most part, are mocked and made fun of by “cooler” or more “popular” individuals within the social food chain so to speak. Honestly, I had no problem with it once I knew I was one of them. I had gotten to the point where I was proud of what I enjoyed listening to, reading about, learning about, etc. For the first time in life I feel like I belonged, ironic, isn’t it? I feel like I belonged to a group of people who are always socially known for NOT belonging amongst the status quo. 

The second part of my self-definition came when I met my best friend in my first year of high school.  Before comic book heroes and culture became “cool” we found a common love and appreciation for all comics and anything comic book related. Since that day he’s been my best friend ever since.  With our friendship as the foundation I have become an extended part of his family through the birth of my daughter, whose mother, happens to be his cousin. Despite all of that, it is true when they say to careful of the company you keep. I think we helped build each others confidence up through the years and did what all best friends should do for each other by having each others backs and supporting each other through the good and bad times. The strength of our friendship gave me the strength in character I needed to discovery myself, if that makes any sense. I wasn’t afraid to find out something about myself for fear anyone would disapprove. Through my best friend I acquired a surrogate family who always treated me like one of their own.  Within this family I discovered other like-minded members in my same age bracket that I ended up going to the same college with and the rest is history. During our time together in college we all knew that it was safe for us to be ourselves.  As I said, we all had similar tastes and interests but we were all nerds in some shape or form. This was without question. Knowing this we all did our best to stick together as a crew and enjoy everything we all brought to our collective group. During our college years, I can say that I had no doubt about who I was, not anymore.  

(TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO...)

Musical Exploration! (K-POP and beyond!)

Greetings and Salutations to all. It is THEE Phoenix Pharaoh coming at you once again from the comfort of my own apartment. Yes, I said my apartment. As I sit here on the couch next to my daughter and my lady's little sister as they watching K-Pop videos of Super Junior I can't help but to wonder exactly what the hell the big deal is about K-Pop anyway. I understand if you are Korean and can actually understand what they are singing but past that I just don't get it. Now granted, my "little sister" as I call her has been desperately trying to help me "see the light" in regards to K-Pop. She has

provided me with a basic foundation upon which I did research for myself. So let's break down what I found and the ideology behind why you should or shouldn't give K-Pop a chance.

Let's start from the beginning...the whole language barrier thing. Now, at first, I didn't even want to bother hearing any of it being as though I don't speak Korean or Japanese. Then I had time to think about it and realized that I don't always understand some of the American music I've listened too in the past. I've rocked out to some Disturbed and Rob Zombie and had no clue what some of the lyrics were. So I would be a hypocrite to dismiss any other kind of music on such a weak premise. Even if I do such a thing I am at the point in my life where I am far more open-minded than I've been in the past days of my youth. For these primary reasons I decided to give some of this K-Pop a try.

My little sister Christina better known as Chee-na or Poochita, took the time to give me a list of some of the groups she enjoyed listening to, but the only problem with that she hardly listened to any female K-Pop groups and her taste leaned heavily towards K-Pop male groups. With this in mind I took it upon myself to do a search that was titled "The best K-Pop girl groups" and after reading a few lists of results off various websites of K-Pop enthusiasts I wrote down the list of female K-Pop groups and then began to search, discover, and watch their videos on YouTube. Much to my surprise a vast majority of what I saw was rather refreshing. It's very apparent simply based on their videos all of the hard work and dedication each member of these female K-Pop groups put in. None of them had

a member that made the group "all about them" or pulled, as I like to call it, a "Beyonce." Secondly it

has been years since I've seen female groups actually put some creativity to their craft. I know some of you may be confused as to what I'm saying so I will explain.

In the 90s, around the time when I got my first boombox, I remember buying a whole bunch of CDs to listen to in my room. During that time you had female R&B groups on the music scene like Total,

En Vogue, X-Scape, TLC, etc. I, personally, feel the 90s was the best decade of music simply because of the variety of artists and uniqueness each of them had. Whether you were into the Red Hot Chilli Peppers or Onyx or even R.Kelly or Aalliyah you had so many options to choose from. No one group or artist sounded exactly like the other. Going back to female artist during that time in music, I feel that because of their contributions that is what made the 90s the greatest decade of music. I mean you can go back and look at the brillance of Madonna, the emergence of the singing powerhouse we all know to be Mariah Carey, the "Queen of R&B" Mary J. Blige, the ever evolving Janet Jackson, etc. I could go on and on for the rest of this blog. My point is they started something of a revolution of sorts for female artists in the music industry. The problem is that in the next decade the female artists dropped the ball and took all the steps backwards that the female artists of the 90s took forward. If you look at this decade you see the systematic decline of female artists. They went from debuting their own unique music styles on their own albums to slowly drifting back to simply being dancers and eye candy in videos of other male artists. This, amongst countless other reasons, has contributed to the decay of American music we are witnessing. Just to cement my point, what is the last American female group you actually supported by buying their album? If it took you more than two seconds to answer and you had to think about it then you get my point. The last for me was the Spice Girls by the way.

Although, I did really like Danity Kaine before they broke up.

This brings me to my next point. The greed and selfish of American music, particularly when it comes to females in the industry. It seems that every talented female group in the last decade in the American music industry has split up because of them fighting over a spot as a solo artists. This is not only sad and disheartening but it's yet another indication that the love of money has completely taken the love of music hostage. Let's connect the dots and bring it back to K-Pop. The way it works, for the most part, is that if the music companies feel you can't do everything (sing, dance, etc.) then you are put into a group with other similarly talented females. Every member of the group usually has a unique talent they bring to the group in addition to being able to handle the basics requirements one would need to be a productive member of the group. The lead singer, does get paid more, however it is encouraged for all members of the groups to do outside projects and/or even collaborations with other groups and artists to enhance their resume. The members of the group are not simply worried about themselves and their accomplishments but are equally dedicated to the longevity and legacy of the group they are in. Now, of course, it is the music industry. Groups break up but, for the most part, not because of greed and selfishness. There is no where near the amount of backstabbing in Korean Pop as their is in American music as a whole. If anything, many groups break up because of them aging and thinking it beneficial to go solo because it's common knowledge that the presentation of being youthful is essential to being successful in a K-Pop group, male or female. Maturity is the very real enemy of these K-Pop groups because of how the visual presentation of it's culture is constructed. No one is interested in seeing an aging K-Pop male or female group that has over stayed it's welcome.

Let us explore another aspect of K-Pop groups versus groups in the American music industry. As I've stated previously individual accomplishments and achievements outside of the group is encouraged not only for financial gain but for the legacy of the members' careers. This is, in my opinion, actually rewarded by a sort of cult following in Korea, Japan, etc. by fans because they begin to see each of the members as unique and talented individuals that combine themselves to make the entity of whatever group they are in. I could be wrong because I never claimed to be right in regards to the topic or topics I am discussing. This is strictly my opinion. I have yet to see any female pop group in the American industry do anything but collect checks, fight, and then break-up. The last female group to actually give the American music industry something to be proud of was the Spice Girls, that is, until they kicked one of their own out of the group and began their decline. For what it was worth, it was one great rise to fortune and fame for them. They showed how successful a female pop group can be when they put in the work and add some originality and creativity to their product. This concept is something of a lost art in 2012.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but not every member of a music group is "destined" to go on and have a successful music career. Ask remaining members of the Jackson 5. Ask the remaining members of TLC. Ask Danity Kane. No one promised anyone that they would be talented enough to take on the world of music all alone. Not only is your overall talent a huge factor in that but's there is the timing, what you're bringing to the world in terms of your music and the style, what audience you are targeting, etc. It is selfish and stupid of so many American music female artists to assume they can just go solo and be the next Diana Ross. Even if they were to do all of the hard work who is to say that the world would be ready for the style of music they have to offer when they make their run at being a solo artist? The worse part of it is that they, in favor of going solo, more often than not kick dirt on the legacy of the group they were in. Not only is that a slap in the face to the fans who supported your group but it's a slap in the face to the other members as well as the label who took a financial leap of faith in regards to the group as a whole. This ongoing trend of stupidity and selfishness is enough to make me want to hurl. Whatever happened to appreciating being given the opportunities are you given instead of demanding to be a solo superstar in the music industry and to hell with whose career you have to destroy or how you have to destroy it.

So after careful research, I have deemed that K-Pop is not the vile, evil, form of brainwashing I thought it to be. Now do I pity the American girls who have some kind of sick obsession with these K-Pop groups and singers? YES. Idol worship is not only a sin but it's unhealthy and extremely unattractive. So for those of you out there engaging in this false idol worship take a break from all of the K-Pop and enjoy your life for what it is. These singers and groups are people just like you. Yes they have talent and are successful in their music careers but they are still human beings. They are not Gods or Goddesses. Do not let the marketing machine control you and rule you. They is a difference between being a fan of a particular kind of music and being a puppet on the strings of these labels, who ultimately, are winning as you continue to pump your money into their bank accounts. Stupidity is stupidity in Korean and in America. Don't be stupid. Just think about what your favorite K-Pop artists or groups would think. They wouldn't want you adopting any unhealthy behaviors on their account.

Now...drum roll please! It's almost that time you've all been wanting for. It's offical! I approval of K-Pop for one and all. In fact, I approve and encourage anyone and everyone to go outside of your usual preference of musical taste and find out what's out there. Don't let the American music industry fool you into thinking what they have to offer is the end all be all because when you see what else is out there you will be kicking yourself for not doing some "musical exploration" of you own. Whether it is K-Pop, J-Rock (I am more of Rock fan myself actually; BTW J-Rock is just Japanese Rock), or Reggae-ton, etc. Just try something different. Give it a chance. I know it's hard at first. It was hard for me too. Stepping outside of your personal comfort zone always is, but trust me, you'll be glad you did in the long run.

I'm sure you're all wondering after my research what my choice of K-Pop music is thus far. Well I am going to tell you! I am officially a fan of a female K-Pop group called F(x)! Now of course, I had to listen to my little sister's mouth and still do because she has been listening to them for however long and knows all their songs and eats and drinks everything K-Pop yadda yadda yadda! Whatever. The point is I have dared to do my own "musical exploration" therefore breaking the shackles of lame, unoriginal, mediocre, bullshit music the American music industry has been forcefeeding me. I am free! Now go free yourselves as well!

Now, before anyone ask, I am going to tell you WHY I chose F(x). I chose them because I like their sound and their moves, of course. Truth be told though, what really did it for me was their originality when it comes to their presentation. This is especially true when it comes to Amber, who is the "Tomboy" of the group.

She is actually from Canada, speaks fluent English, wears fitted hats, and AC/DC t-shirts in her videos! What more can you ask for!? She is my clear cut favorite simply because of the level of coolness. The rest of the group members are pretty cool too. Their trademark is the unique attire which definitely is something I can praise as opposed to the American ideology which is "dress as slutty as you possibly can but demand respect for your "talent." Yeah, right. I'm going to be the next President of the United States too. How much more ignorance can these idiots that keep presenting us with this garbage be and how much more stupid can we be for making them rich!? Well not me! Hey American music industry, you greed assholes, I have options! Granted, I do not understand what F(x) and the other groups I will no doubt be listening to with my "musical exploring" but I understand what all of your groups and artists are saying...the SAME OLD SHIT! That is why I am not listening anymore!